:(

Hello all :) I hope you are well!
Sadly I am not really :( let's just say another stupid cold. I have been coughing so much I hav given myself a massive headache :( and I just feel horrible but I still have been and plan to go to school. And I know it is my fault for absolutely stuffing up my immune system because I struggle to eat properly and at a time didn't eat at all, so I am the only one to blame. And that's what I hate. I hate that I got myself into the huge mess and I hate that I dug myself into a huge hole without realizing and I hate that I did it all and I hate that I am the one who has to live with it and I hate that I am th only one who can fix it and it is so hard. I wish I never had to live with it I wish I never had to go through all the though times the panic the tears and I hate HATE what I did t my family.  I wish I could change all that. But at the same time it has made me, me and has made me stronger.
I hate the concequences I now have to live with even though I am at a healthy weight and my mind is 95% recovered, I still get the little horrible voice in my head but I can resist it most of the times and. Get few bad days now, but because of what I out my body through I now have to live with a super weak immune system, seriously I get every single virus and cold and bug ther is, I figured it out that in the last term of 2013 I spent 5/9 weeks away with stomach bugs flu, kidney infections etc. so my attendance would of been about 45% yep that's me, always the sick girl. Well can I say was? I hope so :)  I now have to live with IBS so it is physically hard and horrible for me if I don't eat. I end up with such bad cramps I end up being sick and trembling on the ground, so in a way it is a blessing as it makes me eat as it is so horrible tpand I am always so anxious about getting them it forces me into eating proper meals every day. I have to live with damaged kidneys, as I made my immune system so weak it couldn't fight off the infection properly the first time and I ended up having a week off and on antibiotics for two and a bit weeks and then the second time my body was so weak (I got it when I was at my lowest 38kg, but please don't compare yourself to me we are all different sizes like I am super short so my bmi wasn't that bad but for someone taller 38kg means they would be dead and there bmi very very low, I mean I am healthy and at 48-49 while for some that would be there lowest point and healthy would be about 60-70ish so please don't compare yourself to me after all we are all different) so the second time I was so weak and couldn't fight it off it spread into my blood and I was soo sick the doctors though there is no way it is just an infection it must be something more serious s it didn't get picked up and I ended up in hospital for a week Before they relised what it was and then another week and a half after that so two and a bit weeks in hospital being feed with only minerals and vitamins through a tube in my arm as my body couldn't cope with food and permainaltly damaging my kidneys.
Also I had the worst expericince ever while I was underweight which I never ever am going near again. As I was so underweight and the ambulance staff didn't relise I got an overdose of morphine(a painkiller) which also happens to be an illegal street drug but okay for hospital use and I am terrified of all drugs now don't ever do drugs I experienced it and I was torture. Having hulliantions and not being able to breath or hear anything I can only remember flashing colours things popping out at me and hearing buzzing and a girl screaming over and over I remember being in a bed in the afterhours clinic then waking up throwing up in a ambulance on my way to hospital, I honestly don't know what happened in between. It hurt so much my head felt like it was going to explode and my neck and back hurt so much I was pretty much paralyzed and couldn't move. I now get nightmares and flashbacks of the experience and I hate myself for it as it was my fault, I made myselfr restrict and be underweight and that t why it happened, I don't lame the doctors at all, they didn't know, I am the one to blame. I am the one wh lives with terrifying consequences. Please listen to me, don't get to that point, don't let anorexia get to the point like me. The concequences are huge and I will never be able to get rid of them. And I don't want anyone to live through it, yes it was bad luck I to so sick I was acciendtly overdosed because they didn't know my weight, but it could happens you as well.
Please recovery is worth it, don't let it ruin your life and take over it, don't let it get so bad you perimitly damage your body, please. Please do it for me. You are strong and beautiful just as you are. You don't have to change for anyone. Please. You are strong you can do it!
I know you can :)

And I am pretty sure it didn't make sense at all so I am sorry, just a bunch of thoughs that came out :) I am sure you understand ;)
Lots of love and stay strong
Livvy xoxo