Stepping out of my comfort zone

Yesterday had been stressful and full of anxiety but I managed to do two things without breaking down or freaking out, which I am super proud of doing!!  ....Going to school for my first day (well is wasn't really a day we were only at school for an hour and a half for a assembly, our timetabled classes start on Monday) AND going to the supermarket buying the ingredients then coming home and cooking dinner for the family and eating it!! Yay!! all of that and being okay with it I am super happy!!! 

For dinner I made sweet and sour chicken from THIS website and fried rice using my Dads recipe as he grew up in Hong Kong with his parents before moving to Chch when he was 12 and he went to boarding school here. I seriously recommend the chicken it is sooo good and tastes like the stuff you would buy from a restaurant!! It is also super easy to make as all you need to do prep the chicken and brown it and then put in the oven with all the sauce ingredients and cook it for an hour!!

I did have pictures but my camera ran out of battery right at the end and it didn't save any of them :( But with fried rice it is fantastic!! :)

Today I am also doing something which I am terrified about and have to leave for in 30min, But I am determined to not panic about it, it probably seems like nothing but for me it is a big thing. I am going to bus for 50min into town and then have a ten min walk in a area I dont know very well ( I have a little map, but I am terrible with direction so its not going to help very much) and go bowling with my friend. The bowling and busing part I am okay with but it is the ten min walk and getting off at the right stop I am almost certain I am going to get wrong and get lost, and I dont really want to wandering around the town by myself with only a little map completely lost, but my parents are at work and I cant drive so i have no choice. But it will be okay I  hope :) 

anyways I should probably leave for the bus stop now as it is quite far away so wish me luck :)

Hope you are all well!!

Lots of Love Livvy xoxox

:)

Day 5 and 6

Right sorry guys I know I have been absent these last couple of days :( I have just been soo busy and I was at my friends place until late and I just came home and went to sleep haha :) and yesterday I was the only person to turn up to our tennis training so I had a private lesson pretty much and it was such hard work but super fun and I felt like dying afterwards haha, so unfit XD

So I will combine the last two days of Izzys positive recovery challenge :)

Day 5
How is life after being recovered/ how do you want your life to be after recovery?

>>Well I would love more freedom with everything, being able to go out and not worry about everything on the planet, and having the choice of what to eat and when I want to eat it, going out and being ale to just be sponastious and not have to plan everything and freak out if it isn't what I planned for and just have the feedom to do all of that and just enjoy myself
>> To be trusted by my family again to eat probably and well as being able to stay at home by myself as sometimes my parents don't trust me to be by myself as they are afraid as what I might do t myself and I don't blame them as there was I time I didn't trust myself to look after me either but that time was long ago and I don't plan to go back there anytime soon, but sometimes they just think that i would fall back into cutting etc. If they weren't there to keep an eye on me at all times which is not necassasry anymore I am not going back to that but sometimes they forget. So I would love to gain the trust of my family to look after myself and EAT when they are not there because I will I promise.
>> To be happy and enjoy all the things I use to again and have fun with my life and not worry about what is going to happen in it and just be able to go worthy the flow of things :)
>> Anxiety free!!!
>> stress free!! Haha yeah right :) exam year...

Day 6
What are your goals for the future?

>> to be fully recovered and get rid of the voice in my head forever!
>> to finish high school (and all Ncea exams) with good high marks and get into a good university course hopefully to study some kind of science at the new science department which is opening the year I am going to start uni yay!  So excited brand new buildings etc! If I want to do science that is, I think I do but I still have nooo idea what I want to be or do when I am o,der :)
>> to have a awesome exciting happy life with lots of opportunities to take up with a job I love to do (not sure what that is yet :))

And that is about all as I don't really have any big goals for the future and I don't know what I want to do, so it is pretty hard :) but I have a few years yet until I have to decide :) lucky me :)

Day 4

What were the things that scared you most about recovering when you were sick, and how do you feel about them now? / What things scare you most about recovery..and can you give a rational reason why those things shouldn't scare you?

>> Putting on weight and keeping it on as my goal weight was 4kg more than I had ever weighed in the first place. I can understand why I felt like this as I didnt know what my body would look like and whether it actually would be big or not and it frightened me as I didint know what to expect ( and at that point I could only imagine it to be huge). I know that thinking this is irrational as I was shown charts that compared my height and age and even computerized images of what I would look like and I knew my bmi would be at a healthy level when I reached  my goal weight, and the doctors would not make me overweight it is their job to make us healthy not go to one extreme to the other!!

>> Being judged by my friends by putting on weight and losing them as friends all together as they wouldnt wan tto be with a unattractive fat girl. I cant believe I ever thought this as I know my friends (well I think I do anyway:)) and they would never care about what I looked like and if they did they wouldnt be worth hanging around anyone as my friends love me for me and my personality (even though it is a quiet and sometimes shy one) they love me for who I really am, appearance shouldnt mean anything!And I know that I wasnt going to be overweight and getting to a healthy weight would not make me ugly but more healthy looking with nice skin not pale stuff and strong hair and nails!

>> Being able eat what I want when I want as I was terrified that without my supplements and meal plan I wouldnt be able to keep my weight up and I I would muck it up and eat too much or too little as I really didnt know how much was a normal healthy amount was. And having the trust and freedom to do that as I wanted help I didnt know what to do but for some reason was too afraid to ask for help when I know I can

My hair is short!!!!

My hair is short now... I didnt really want it to be... I asked for abotu 4-5cm to be cut off but she cut off 15!! and she started at the back so I couldnt tell how much she cut off until she started at the front and by that stage it was too late to do anything.:( But I guess I will get use to it. So it just reaches past my shoulder now when it use to reach almost to my waist. It is a big difference and I am not sure if I like it or not. A new year a new me I guess.. Its just I have growing my hair for three years now as I had it by my ears in a bob since I was little to yr8 (12yrs old) and its like all my effort of growing it had just vanished because of a new hairdresser who is very bad with measurement!! It also kind of reminds me of before my anxiety and ed had all started so in a way it is good I guess.

So what do you think?? Is it that bad?? I dont really like it but I guess it could be okay

Haha it makes me look sooo much younger as well, and it had gone really poofy and curly as well! (not that you can tell in these pictures as I straitened it when I got home to try and make it slightly longer :))
Oh and ignore the extremely messy bookshelf and room behind me, I am working on that...

Anyway hope you are well!! Lots of love Livvy xoxo :)

Day 3!!

  

What are your goals for this week? / What are your recovery goals for this week?

>> To go out in my denim shorts (not my jeans and long pants I have been hiding in even though it has been super hot) and be proud of my body even if they show the stretch marks down my thighs, because they show that even though I have grown and put on weight I dont care because I am a healthy weight which has been my goal for a long time!

>> To challenge all the anxious thoughts and do exactly the opposite of what they want me to do, the right thing, and to do the thing that is frightening me even if it is as little as taking my 2yr old brother to the playground by myself as I am always terrified he is going to hurt himself and he always runs around and tries to do things that he is just too little for.
Funny thing is (completely off topic) every time I take my brother somewhere like on a walk in the pram or even carrying him in a shop someone asks me if he is my baby haha!! And they always have this massive sigh of relive when I say no he is my brother!! Seriously I would of had to of had him when I was 12 to that to be true!! It wouldnt of even been possible for me to have him when I was 12!! Haha oh well my parents and R find it soo funny!!

>> To get myself completely ready for going back to school next Thursday, all my books covered and all my stationary ready, my bag packed and a list of what I am going to pack for my lunch and a friend I can walk/bus to school with so I can eliminate as much anxiety as I can about going back to school

>> To finish making over my room, as until now I have been way to scared to make a change to my 'safe' place and it has become very 'babyish' I guess eg. I still had fairy posters etc. on my walls (they are gone now :)) and change it to the new me!! and be okay with the change!!

>> To order a meatball sandwich from subway! haha dont laugh it is something I have meaning to do for a lonngggg time now but every time I have had the chance I have oped  out of it so I am finally going to do it!

stay strong

Lots of love Livvy

xoxox

Day two!

What are the things you do now which you couldn't do when you were sick?/ what are the things you want to be able to do(again) when you are healthy and recovered? 

>> go to cafes and restaurants and order anything I want wether it is a salad or fish and chips, and not because it is a 'good' or 'bad' food but because that's what I want and what I am craving at that time

>> enjoy social events like school dances and going to friends houses and not worry about anything!

>>be confident in my body and not compare my body to others as we are all different, no one is the same there will always be people smaller and bigger and taller and shorter than meand that's okay my body is perfect just how it is (at a healthy weight that is)

>> go to school and be happy, change in the changing rooms for PE and be fine with i and make lunch the best 'subject' not the worst!

>> except my imperfections and even love them, they make me, me

>> Be happyyyy!! Talkative and freeee

>> Go to a supermarket just to buy chocolate and icecream and pay at any checkout and be proud :)

>> Enjoy living again!!! :) No bad thoughts telling me what to do at all hours of the day and having the freedom to do and eat what I want


Lots of love Livvy xoxox
Hope you are well!! Stay strong!

Izzy's recovery challenge

I am going to do this challenge starting from today to Monday, it is from a amazing girls blog called Life without anorexia run by the beautiful, amazing, perfect super inspiring girl called Izzy!! She is amzing and her blog has helped me sooo much so if you are reading this Izzy, THANK YOU!!!

Anyways Day 1:

What is the best thing about being recovered? / What are you looking forward to most about being healthy and free of your eating disorder?

>>To meet friends and go out and have fun with them/not avoiding going to friends for tea/ going out for coffee or a movie and actually buy snacks like popcorn and not feel greedy or guilty. And to actually talk to my friends as I am currently the shy one that doesn't talk much and just listens and laughs at others jokes but don't make any myself only, occasionally talking in our big group, don't get me wrong I love spending time with my friends and alone with one I am super talkative but in a group I tend to hang back.

>>To eat what I want when I want and not think any differently about it.

>>To be able to eat my own baking and enjoy it, not worrying about what I put in it or if I put too much butter in it etc.

>>To be able to love my body including my imperfections like my stretch marks down my back,bum and thighs and not cry when I look in the mirror inking they are ugly and think I am too big etc.

>>To be able to go to the supermarket by myself and not wait in a super long queue just so I can avoid a certain person who I once bought chocolate with, or I know will talk to me.

>>To have fun at school and not constantly worrying about what people are thinking about me, comparing myself to others and not worrying about changing for PE in the changing rooms

>>So I can grow my nails long enough for them to look nice so I can shape and paint them :) Which I can finally do again!! yay!! best thing about being 1kg of my goal weight!

>>To stop thinking the worst is going to happen and instead thinking positive thoughts and that I can do it

>>To go to school without panicking, crying or being soo nervous that I throw up and have to see the councilor when I get to school, and just enjoy learning and being with my friends (that kind of my GAD not ED though)

>>So interval and lunch become my favorite times at school

>>To feel normal and like I fit in

>> To be happpppyyyyy!!! And have as much freedom as I want!!!

>> and to say that I am recovered and healthy and free of all the thoughts that burden me!!!!

I finally got around to making it into hand lettering and now it is right above my bed so I can always be reminded that love is stronger than the pressure to be perfect!!! 

Chia crispbread/crackers

Today as part of my baking day I made these delicious little crunchy snacks!! They are soo good and full of seeds and super yummy and because they are made with chia seeds they are also very filling and a great source of fiber and omega 3!!

 They kinda look a bit gross at first as they are slimy and grey but I can say they taste soo good when they are cooked (and look more appealing too;))

Recipe:

Ingredients:

1/2 cup chia seeds (I used white but you can use either)

1/4 cup sunflower seeds

1/4 pumpkin seeds

1 teaspoon of salt

1/4 cup oats

2 tablespoons sesame seeds

3/4 cup water

1/4 cup flour

2 tablespoons light olive oil

Instructions:

1. preheat oven to 130 degrees Celsius

2.Mix all of the ingredients in a small bowl and leave for 40min for the chia seeds to soak up the water to make a thick paste/dough (? I am not quite sure it can be seen as a dough but it thickens up and holds together)

3. Line a baking tray with baking paper and place the thickened dough in the centre

4.Place another sheet of baking paper on top and roll out flat to as thin as it can be,  you will be able to tell when it is the right thickness as it is evenly spread out and the width of a seed so it cant really be any thinner ( if that makes any sense haha)

5.Remove the top sheet of paper and bake in the oven for five minute to harden of so slightly

6. lightly cut the dough into small pieces so they snap easily into shape when they are done

7. place back in the oven and continue to cook them for 30-40 minutes until they are nice and crisp, hardened up and a golden colour 

8.Leave them on the tray to cool and they break into the small pieces and store in a airtight container

And that's it!! Super easy and really yummy!! 

This is my take on the recipe from nyoutritious.com, so if you would like the original please visit their site, but I found the recipe above worked best for me as I changed the quantities and some of the ingredients and the process so hopefully you can give it a try!! They worked amazing!!

Happy baking, Lots of love Livvy xoxo

Baking day tomorrow!

Hi all, well I think I will start with today
Today was a quite-ish day with my two brothers and mum, we went out to a cafe for morning tea where I had half a piece of lolly cake as I couldn't eat it all and just water to drink, then we walked down the road to the library and I got the final season of the series I am re-watching and I also found out I have been saying library wrong the whole time and I had nooo idea! Haha well that's what I was told :) apparently I say li-berry instead of libRary hahaha well I think I say it fine anyway.
We then spent about an hour feeding the ducks with my 2yr old brother and running around the gardens which was super fun and relaxing.

Tomorrow is going to have to be a massive baking day as I havent done any since we got back from our trip as I haven't had time and I am kind of in a phase again where I find it hard to eat something if I made it or know all the ingredients that went into it, I know it's stupid but I will give it ago, just sticking with not knowing what is in the food I am eating makes it so much easier but I know I can and should eat my own baking. So for R I am making banana chocolate chip muffins, for my mum I  am making chocolate chip biscuits (I love how she asks "everyone reallllyyy wants you  to make them" when it is only her that reallllyyy wants them!!), for my dad (and me, i really want to try amd be able to say i can make them) I am going to have my first attempt at making profiteroles  so that wil be interesting and for me I am going to make some chia seed crackers as I found a recipe for them and they look soo yummy with all the seeds and nuts in them! So yep I am going to have a super busy day tomorrow as I will have to walk to the supermarket to get the ingredients as well as it takes 20min walk one way and then longer carting all the heavy bags (milk bottles are my enemy especially when I have to buy two 2L bottles as my brothers drink sooo much! They are heavy!) so it will take me over an hour to do it all! But yeah I will have fun! And hopefully fun eating them too fingers crossed I will try my best too!! Recipes will be up tomorrow!

Hope you are all well!
What are your fav recipes?? Lots of love
Livvy xoxox :)

Hello!!

His guys I hope you are all well!!
Today I played in a tennis tournament with my family, it was a club tournament and invited parents and the senior to join us as well (the juniors that is) so I was playing with people over 4 times my age!! But it was super fun! We spent the whole day there and of course thee only hot hot day we have had this summer happened to be today! Playing in 33 degrees is not much fun super sweaty and bright red haha!! Thankfully not sunburnt though :).
I got up to the 3rd round out of 5 in singles so I am happy with that but my partner (some guy I had never met before :)) lost our first game in doubles so we got knocked out haha!!
It was a super fun day and I got to spent it with my best friend from primary school which I hadn't seen in agggeesss! Yayyy so nice to catch up :) the only bad thing is I forgot to put my arch support thingys in my shoes so now my shins all e way up into my hips are really achy and sore silly me!
On another note, I have felt my anxiety is getting a lot worse at the moment, which is a bet unsettling. I don't know why, normally I can think of something but school holidays nothi planned its not like I have to d anything that would scare me in the near future or anything like that so I'm not sure... Hopefully it will just settle down again as i cant have it back like it was at the start of last year, I don't think I would cope going through it a second time. Everything just gets soo hard and then eating less because I lose my appetite and then I a, afraid that I will startto fall back into my old habits of not eating on purpose and all the thoughts etc. will come back and ahhhh! And because I am more on edge at the moment my IBS has been a lot worse as well (as it is when I get anxious or stressed etc.) so cramps etc as well is not ver nice. Anyway hopefully it will just settle down again.
The past few days I have started to redecorate my room as it was time for a change as most of the stuff on my walls was a bit babyish. So my big net thing, the one s that have ribbons and go around the top of your bed to make you feel like a princess, yeah those, is now gone as I have been meaning to take it down foe a long time now and I can't remember my room without it so it looks very different and so much bigger and makes my bed look huge! All my things on my mirror (some of you might of seen in some of my photos) are all gone and I can probably see myself in it now ! And i have redone my notice board with new pictures and such, and cleared my wall out of old posters of polar bears and tigers and lots of other animals (I don even kow why they were up in the first place I dot even like tigers and bears all that much anyway!) and are replaced with some cute bunting I made with pretty patterned paper that matchs my colour scheme :) so my room feels s different now but it's not too bad as it is me and most of my stuff is still there so I am coping better than I thought with it! Now if I was to move my bed and draws around then I would be a complete mess and would have to move it back to normal just to be able to sleep in it... Yep I know...

Anyway I hope your holidays/school/work/whatever you are doing are all good and wish you all the best for the coming week ahead!
Lots of love Livvy xoxo
:)

Cake pops!!

Today I made my first attempt at making cake pops after getting a mold for Christmas!!

I think they turned out really well and they taste really nice too!!

recipe will be down below, and more pictures will be posted when they are nice and pretty!!

I am soooo happy on how they turned out!!! Perfect little round balls of cake!!

Vanilla Cake Pops

Ingredients:

>> 3/4 cup of flour

>> 1/2 teaspoon of baking powder

>> pinch of salt

>> 1/2 white sugar

>> 1 egg

>> 1 teaspoon vanilla essence 

>> 1/4 cup milk

1. Preheat oven to 180 degrees
2.  Cream the butter and sugar together in a bowl
3. add vanilla and eggs and mix well
4. add the flour, baking powder and salt and then add milk and mix well
5. place the mixture enough to fill the bottom half of the mold, oh an ddont forget to grease it with butter or cooking spray to help them come out of the mold easily
6. bake for 7-8 minutes and then cool on a tray ;)

I hope you have fun creating these adorable little creations!!

Lots of love

Livvy xoxo

Last of holiday photos :)

Queenstown beach 

 Great photo...not hahah!!

 Mine was the pink one ;)

Trip to the lolly shop ;)

My brother and Dad driving, too scary for me!!

And the giant fruit in Cromwell !!

I hope you had a great holiday too!!! 

I did!! :)

Lots of love Livvy

xoxo

Just an update :)

Hii guys sorry it's been a long time since I have posted anything!! Just travalling and unpacking and so on I just couldn't find the time!
Well since I have last talked/written/spoken (??? I don't know what to say?!? Hahah :)) we spent our last day in Arrowtown which was really hot so we went down to a lake and spent the afternoon swimming and jumping off the platform but the water was still reallllyyyy cold!! It got warmer as you got further out but by then I couldn't touch the bottom and I can only tread water for so long!!  My dad has lots of pictures of us on the platform and such so hopefully I can get them off his camera if there are any good ones as my mum took them and couldn't figure how to turn on and take pictures so I don't know how good they are!!
On our way back up to Christchurch we stopped in Timaru (a small town about two hours drive form chch) and I spent an hour with my friend who moved down there almost two years ago now! We write letters to each other ( I know soo old fashioned!! Haha but it's so fun to receive a letter!)  but it's not as good as talking in real life! So I had a great time :) she now has two parrots (as well as six cats and two dogs!!) so they were very cute! They climbed up and sat on my shoulder and talked and did little dances!! At one stage they were both flying around the room which was pretty freaky though!!
I am so happy to be back home again though! Home is always best :)

Today as my dad has this week off as well we went out and bought Rs new school uniform and it was sooo funny as the smallest size was to long and baggy!! So his top kinda looks like a dress ;)
But I can't say much as my uniform was just like at when I got it and at that point I was so tiny and skinny I had to take in ten cm on my skirt just to stop it falling down... And then add elastic to it as well... But thankfully I have put on weight since then and I have taken out the elastic, still need the tuck in it though and lengthened it so I am happy, finally growing taller!! Yaya!! Been a long time :)
Down side to putting on weight is I have recently discovered big stretch marks around my hips back and bum :( just from getting up to a normal healthy weight :( and I am not even there yet so I am afraid they will get worse :( but I know it is all my fault I got them though.
Tomorrow I have my weigh in at my GPs so I will ask about them but sadly I know that they fade a little but really the only way to get rid of them is surgery or laser treatment which I don't want to do at all, so my fault I now have big red purplish marks on my body which I will have for life :( but thankfully they are not in a seen area like my legs or stomach (not that I plan to wear crop tops or bikinis any time soon!!) so yep my fault for losing weight. I am sooo worried about tomorrow!... I know I am still two kg away from my goal weight so haven't gained anything since last time and I am just worried about that, I have tried but I just aren't getting anywhere, infact I have just gone backwards more than forwards with my weight... I wish it was easier! But I am hoping the different scales and with shoes and clothes on maybe I can gain a little, I know wishful thinking not going to happen. So unless I can gain two kg or at least one overnight I am screwed... But I am only to blame, I just hope I don't have to take supplements again as they taste terrible!

Well anyway I just have to wait and see.
I hope you are all well!! Stay strong!
Lots of love
Livvy xoxox :)

Zip-lining

Okay so after quite a bit of panic and nerves I did end up going ziplining, well it wasn't really my choice to go as my Dad booked the tickets that morning while I was asleep and paid for it so it would be a waste if I didn't go. It was really fun but terrifying at the same time. Worth all the panic and tears on the way and pleading not to make me do it maybe not... But still I am glad I went!! And now I can say I won against anxiety (well for ziplining and heights anyway) and have done the longest and steepest tree to tree zipline in the world!! My Dad didnt tell me this part I only found out on the last of six lines by the guide and if I had known I would not of gotten in the car that morning! But I was there and very high up in a tree house and there was no ladder or track back down to the ground or back through the forest so I had no choice but to go down it, that or being stuck up in a open tree house for the rest of my life ;) I can say I never want to do it ever again (well the big one anyway,the smaller ones were okay ;)) But if you get the chance I would recommend doing it as it was a great experience and fun (and scary but you get over that part) !!

 Excuse the finger please ;) 

This was taken half way down the zipline and I was in complete terror and taking a good photo was the last of my worries ;)

 I dont think you can see but this is the steepest one but it drops off right about where you cant see the line any more haha!!! 

And this was taken before the first line walking down to reach it, The view is sooo pretty up there!!!

I do have a video as well but I am having trouble uploading it and it is soo blurry and my finger is over it most of the time haha!!as I was just trying to focus on not screaming and not dropping it in the middle of a forest and trying not to listen to the voice in my head telling the line was going to snap etc. so you probably dont want to see it anyway ahah!!! But I will try and upload it another time, probably in a few days time back home again where I have reliable internet connection :)

Well that was probably the most challenging thing I have done this holiday that and eating a whole pizza minus two peices without feeling guilty at all and actually ordering it off a menu!! So I am proud of myself :)
What have you done that has challenged you this holiday??

Lots of Love Livvy
xoxo :)

Helloooo :)

Hi guys I hope you are all well!!!

I am enjoying being down in Arrowtown at the moment although I am starting to miss home :( but that always happens so its not a big deal, I just like the comfort of home and my own room where I dont have to share with my brother and with my anxiety my room was always my 'comfort' area and I would always feel safe in it and it would be the only place where I could escape it, I am better about it now and dont feel the need to be in it all the time and cant leave like it use to be but I still like being in there if that makes any sense at all it probably doesn't !!! hahah!!! 

Today we went up the Gondola and down the luge a couple of times in Queenstown (which is like the big town close to Arrowtown where we are staying as it is a tiny place it doesn't even have a supermarket!!) 

 There was such a beautiful view at the top :)

            ^this is the luge track^^ by the way,

 they are like little cart things you drive down :)

After having a fun morning out in queenstown with some shopping complete :) R got a phone case for his new iphone 6 he got for Christmas ( yes I know a iphone 6!! But I did get my laptop For school and he will be starting high school this year!! My parents always said we could get a phone when we started high school and I felt bad as I always do when they buy me  stuff and got a tiny little cheap-ish one about $100 they smallest amount you could pay for a smart phone haha! Rs screen is bigger than my whole phone!! haha it is huge and its not even the plus!!! I am not complaining though I love my little trusty phone:)) And my Mum got some clothes and my other brother B got his first ever pair of sunglasses and they are soo cute and tiny I dought they would even fit on my head!!

 After That we went out for mornign tea and this is the little cake I got, I couldnt finish it though but 

most of it was eaten :) It was soo pretty!!

Tomorrow we are planning to go zip-lining and I am honestly very anxious about it. I dont really want to do it and I already feel very sick and shaky about it and all the bad thoughts on what could go wrong are just streaming into my head and wont go away and I know that is only going to be the start of it... I have asked not to do it but my parents think it I should go just to help get over all the anxiety and prove the little voice in my head wrong and I think they are right but I still feel freaked out and dont want to do it, but I dont think I really have a choice. I am just scared of what could and might happen and go wrong and also as I know I will be extremely on edge if I do it and I am worried it will be too much and I will just break down or have a another anxiety attack in front of all these people and instructors ad there will be lots of people there too which is also making me nervous. So I am not sure if I will do it or not, but I should, and I am sure I will enjoy it if I do and otherwise I will have to sit by myself in a cafe for 3 hours and I am not sooo keen on that either.. 

Sorry this has gotten so long, I have probably bored you to death by now ;) If you managed to get through it that is ;) I didnt intend it being so long but when I am nervous it all just seems to come out and its nice to get it written down and look how ridiculous my thoughts are ;)

Anyway I hope you are well and having a great holiday :)

Lots of love Livvy 

xoxo